The other night I finally got around to typing up some things for a friend that I was hoping she would discuss with her soon to be husband before they get married.
This list of topics I shared for her to discuss is NOT in order of importance or exhaustive, though it is long.
In regards to choosing who you want to be in an “until death parts you” covenant:
I sadly have a number of friends who are struggling in their marriages, who have been separated at times, who have entertained divorce, who have wondered if they made the wrong choice...these friends are Christians that are married to Christians. I have heard that since the 80’s one out of every two marriages ends in divorce and the highest rate of divorce is among those who “identify” as Christians. As you know marriage is not a bed of roses no matter how “in love” a couple is. No marriage is perfect. It is truly a challenge learning how to submit daily to one another. Some days are easy, some you may feel like you won’t make it through. No one can hurt you as deeply as a spouse, because you expect more from a spouse than anyone else. When those expectations, even in the little things are disappointed it can really wear on you over the years.
Being quick to forgive is definitely key which takes humility if done in sincerity. Humility and trust in God will be your companions for success.
So some things that tear marriages down that should be discussed before a covenant is made: (Most of these questions should be answered by the man and the woman)
How do you feel about children?
a.) Are you ok with letting God decide how many children we have?
b.) Do you prefer to give birth in the hospital or at home?
c.) How would you want to correct and direct a child?
d.) Would you want your child to be home-schooled or is public education ok with you?
e.) If we home-school what are your expectations for homeschooling as far as what they should be taught and how much time they will spend a day/week doing school?
f.) Are you ok with our children using technology and or watching T.V. and if so what do you find acceptable for children to view and how often can they have access to these things?
g.) How do you feel about the in-laws and their interaction and influence on our children; will we set boundaries for the in-laws as far as what kinds of gifts & clothes they give the children and what they allow the children to view or places they bring them?
h.) Do we want our children to go to college? Do we want to teach our children to court when seeking a spouse or do we believe dating is acceptable?
j.) Are we ok with our children being involved in sports?
2. Money
a.) Do we want a bank account?
b.) Do we want a joint bank account or separate accounts?
c.) Do we want to use credit cards?
d.) As a wife do you trust me to make good choices to freely spend or are you thinking of giving me a certain allowance for things like groceries,etc.?
e.) Do you believe in a savings account, or life Insurance?
f.) Do you want me to work for money also?
g.) Will we file taxes and if so jointly or separately?
h.) Is your aim to work a lot for money? Do you want to spend money on a large house, a small house, on cars, trucks, furniture, technology?
3. Health
a.) Are you ok with going to a Dr. ?
b.) Is it ok to take prescriptions or are there certain kinds you think are wrong to take?
c.) Do you believe in using food and herbs for healing?
d.) Are you comfortable eating GMO products, do you want to try to stick with organic or just certain things organic?
e.) Are you comfortable eating fast food?
f.) Do you feel convicted to eat for health, for example are you ok with spending money on things like twinkies, donuts, ice cream on a regular basis or only on occasion or never?
g.) How do you feel about marijuana internally, smoked or ingested, used topically?
4. Music
a.) Are you ok with listening to music?
b.) Are there certain kinds of music you don’t like or think we shouldn’t listen to?
5. Socializing
a.) What kind of boundaries will you have once we are married in regards to interacting with the opposite gender?
b.) Are you comfortable driving alone with the opposite gender, or only under certain circumstances?
c.) Are you comfortable speaking privately with the opposite gender whether an audio, video, or text?
d.) Are you comfortable having casual friendships with the opposite gender?
e.) How do you feel about physical touch with the opposite gender: hugs, hand holding, handshakes, fist bumps? Are any of these ok under certain circumstances?
f.) Are you ok with drinking alcohol at all?
6. Intimacy
a.) Were you ever exposed to porn and if so how did it effect you, does it still effect you today, do you have any addiction issues with it?
b.) Do you masturbate, if so do you think it is wrong or do you think it’s acceptable with God? If you masturbate are you triggered visually to do so, such as seeing an immodest woman in public or online; do you masturbate as a means of stress release?
c.) Do you believe oral sex is acceptable with God or wrong, if I am not comfortable with oral sex do you feel that will become a problem?
d.) Do you expect me to wear sexy clothes in the bedroom; if I don’t is that going to be a problem?
e.) Do you care if I do not shave?
f.) Do you care if I don’t wear make-up?
g.) Do you like to talk in bed before going to sleep, or do you prefer not to?
h.) Does it make you uncomfortable if we are both in the restroom at the same time or do you prefer I wait until you're finished before entering?
7. Concerning the faith
a.) What do you believe Church should look like?
b.) Is being part of a Church body important to you?
c.) What do you think about women pastors?
d.) What do you believe it means to be Christian?
e.) Do you feel God has a calling on your life for a certain type of ministry?
f.) Do you believe you have any spiritual gifts from God: that of teaching, hospitality, laying on of hands, evangelism, etc?
g.) Do you care if I wear a head-covering in general?
h.) What do you consider modest and not modest in regards to both men and women and their choice of clothes: (to the man)Are you comfortable in front of women shirtless?
Is it ok for either of us to wear tank tops, “bathing suits”, or shorts?
j.) If we have to get the vaccine to buy food would you want us to?
h.) Do you think we have to submit to the government in all things or just certain things?
j.) Are you willing to suffer for the faith, go to jail, bear reproach, lose fellowship, be hated by family, be poor...?
k.) As a woman what do you expect of me regarding my role as a Christian wife? Do you believe housework is only for women or do you believe it is also a husband’s duty to help with cooking, cleaning, diaper changing…?
l.) Do you believe in infant baptism?
m.) Do you believe cremation is ok?
n.) What do you believe about communion?
o.) Do you believe in miracles?
p.) Do you prefer praying out loud or silently?
q.) Do you want to pray before meals? Do you want to pray together before bed or individually?
r.) What do you believe Jesus taught regarding loving your enemies: is it ok to kill in defense, or injure in defense? How do you feel about calling 911?
s.) What would you do if you or I were called to jury duty?
t.) How do you feel about holidays?
u.) Do you love God more than me?
v.) Are you getting married because you want a nice marriage or because you want someone to serve Jesus with?
w.) Are you attempting to find completeness in marriage, as in do you think it will satisfy a loneliness in you or do you recognize only God will complete you?
8. Miscellaneous
a.) Is there anything I do that really irritates you?
b.) How much do you care about being clean as far as how often do you think bed sheets and towels should be washed and changed; do you like the dishes to be done after dinner or as the meal is being made?
c.) How many meals a day do you like to eat and what are your preferred meal times?
d.) What are your favorite foods and what do you not like to eat?
e.) Are you ok driving over the speed limit?
f.) Are you willing to be misunderstood by me and am I willing to be by you; are we willing to let go of disagreements and try to work together for peace?
Of course you do not have to have all the answers to these questions and over the years your answers will likely change? However these are topics worth discussing and not allowing your desire to be married hinder you from honest examination. When two people are “in love” it’s much easier to believe that even if you didn’t like their answers to some of these questions you will be able to handle it, or some put their trust in believing the person's opinion will soon change and fall in line with their own.
This is the time to be honest with yourself and your potential spouse, there's no turning back after the "I do." on the wedding day.
The Scriptures speak of the little foxes that spoil the vines...it truly can be the little seemingly insignificant things that begin to wear us out after being married:
“He always throws his dirty clothes on the floor like a slob when the dirty clothes basket is right there 2 steps away!”
“Day after day I come home from a long day at work and the house is a mess and dinner hasn't even started!”
“He’s constantly pulling the blanket off me at night, he snores, and he tosses and turns; I can’t get any sleep!”
“She embarrasses me with her choice of clothes?”
“He rarely ever spends time with the children so I can get things done!”
“She totally disrespects me in public!”
In marriage some focus on each other's shortcomings after a time of living together and begin to nag one another. Some things may take a spouse years to get the victory over or they may never change...so, it’s very important to not be tripped up over what bothers you about your spouse while failing to speak gratefully to them for their efforts to please you in ways they have found to please you.
No matter what, marriage is a leap of faith. As Christians it is most important that God sincerely is our first love so no matter what happens in our marriage we will have God as our rock. People, even spouses, will fail us. But the thing about marriage is that you are committing to this person regardless if they are faithful to do their part.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment: disagreements don’t dissolve it, unfaithfulness doesn’t dissolve it, falling “out of love” doesn’t dissolve it, only death. God uses marriage to teach us and perfect us whether the marriage is successful or not.
I have a burden for young people in regards to marriage because, like I said, too many are finding regrets about their marriage or ending up divorced. Too many are saying: they didn’t realize the seriousness of marriage, no one ever warned them, gave them counsel or advice, or prepared them for the reality of marriage.
It is so important to speak soberly with people you know who plan to marry. Kindly make sure they know very well the person they desire to be joined to. Feel free to use things listed here or make your own list of ideas for them to discuss with their soon to be spouse. If society took marriage more seriously and invested in preparing the youth for successful marriages many problems would be solved... A good Marriage is the foundation of mentally healthy children; thus a healthier society. Don't be afraid to speak up.
"Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." ~Matthew 19:6
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